noise cancelation / #4
on good fit, identity, and letting go of labels
I’ve always thought that my AirPods’ noise cancelation worked alright; they let in enough background noise that I wasn’t quite bothered, but never really gave me the silence I was promised.
The other day, though, I replaced the XS-sized ear tips (I tore it while cleaning it, go me) back to the default S size they came with, and… well, turns out I’d just been actively making things more difficult for myself. Unless my ear canals grew in the past two years, the problem wasn’t the feature — it was my fit.
Anyway: Noise cancelation works. It’s still not noise-less, but it’s definitely less noise.
I’ve been sitting with this lately, about all the ways I’ve accepted the slightly-wrong fits. And, of course, work came to mind, as I ride out the last month of my notice period.
For years, I told myself I was bringing my whole self to work. Said it out, even. Multiple times. In town halls with hundreds and thousands of people. On recording. 😬 You get it.
I thought it meant:
Being helpful by being myself, taking on more projects, initiatives, and responsibilities in the name of visibility and worth. If I poured enough of myself into work, wouldn’t it naturally reflect my sense of purpose and belonging? That the work I’m doing matters?
Embracing my pride and queerness, playing the role of diversity poster child with enthusiasm. I showed up, visible, vocal, and local, with the hope that representation was what’s going to let the authentic self through
Living through my values, believing they aligned with the company’s core values. Walking the talk, aligning personal values with them because it felt like the right thing to do
And to an extent, all that was true. In the moment, I believed those things.
Now, with the distance between us, I see the flip side:
People-pleasing, wearing the badge of achievement like a shield, where every accolade and every praise was armor, protecting me from the fear that if I didn’t perform, I wouldn’t be enough
Adopting the values — not of the company, but of capitalism as my own. Productivity became a proxy for my self-worth, not for my own sake but for project outputs and client feedback
Then, there’s realizing that company values often live just in the mission statement, idealistic in nature but complicated in practice (see: working to drive impact in dubious industries, profit-first, layoffs, and all of those other cracks in that shield.)
It wasn’t really about authenticity, but assimilation — fitting myself into a mold shaped by how useful I am.
Not who you are, but how valuable your outputs are.
The best part of me… went to work. The rest of myself had no space to grow, or even to think.
At some point, I stopped being able to tell where I ended and where the job began. My work hours bled through, spent thinking about projects, colleagues, clients, and value and impact and leadership and delivery.
The boundaries I tried to draw were like poorly fitted ear tips (ayyy, call back) — technically there, but everything still seeping through.
Even now, weeks after deciding to leave, I still clumsily introduce myself as an ex-Head of Design, for lack of a better identifier. It’s a label that still fits well enough, and it’s the easiest way out.
Even now, after saying I’m not looking for another corporate job, my (very well-meaning) friends still send me job postings, ask if I’m redoing my portfolio, or when I’ll start applying again.
I’m genuinely grateful for how they perceive me: their belief in my ability as a designer, a leader, and a person who knows what they’re doing.
But it’s kind of like being handed a beautiful, thoughtful gift… but labeled to your old address. Appreciated, for certain, but not where I live anymore; the identity I’m trying so hard to peel back.
And so, even now:
Who am I outside being a good worker?
And why is it so hard to let that go?
I still don't know what the right fit looks like for me, but I do know that I'm choosing to resist the urge to immediately find something and dive deep into it. I’ve spent years optimizing for efficiency and speed, so there’s something quietly powerful about intention and exploration.
It’s early days, and I’m learning about these other parts of me that I know are within — and the parts that I’m not even aware that have shapes yet.
It's not about finding that perfect fit right away. Maybe it’s about learning to sit with the discomfort of not knowing; of not having an easy label; of floating in the liminal space in between.
Nothing fits… Yet. And for now, that’s good enough.
One thing I liked this week
🎥 Video: ChatGPT vs DeepSeek: CRAZY Chess
When I tell you I cackled...
It’s been nearly 28 years since Deep Blue won against Garry Kasparov — the first time a computer system won against the reigning chess champion — and behold! Humans still enjoy playing chess with other humans.
I hope that thread holds true for creative things even as we move towards AGI, and especially as we find the things we like doing being done faster and more efficiently with generative AI. Intention, emotion, expression — the things that make us slower — also makes us human.
And at least we won’t (usually) hallucinate pieces on a chess board, or gaslight ourselves into a win 😂
Until next time,
J