the spiral is the story / #24

when the main quest ends, and the side quests keep going

A bit of a mess ahead:

I’ve written twelve versions of this essay, and every single one claimed to be the real story.

First, it was about Pokémon cards, about learning to want things that don’t advance anything. I even built a Notion database to track the prices of cards I don’t (yet?) own.

But the database tracking made me feel like I was doing busy-but-not-productive work, even for a potential hobby.

So, the story shifted to optimization: How I thought I might experiment not being a systems person, but really I just needed permission to systematize random shit.

That didn’t sit right, though. Permission? From who?

But no, wait, it’s something else — fear? I remembered this guy who retired and then un-retired two months later, because he could find nothing else to do and no purpose to seek, and that hit hard.

So, the story turned to building multiple systems instead of one main system, so that when one falls apart, the others can still go on.

But then, am I optimizing too much?

But hold on, maybe the story is that there’s nothing wrong with being an optimizer. I just get to do it for curiosity and what is pulling me in now, because of the financial margin I’ve built over the years.

But that version felt too tidy, too wrapped up in a bow, and doesn’t quite reflect the chaos that’s swirling in my mind.

So, back to Pokémon and curiosity.

Is the story now that I’m afraid that I’m a wastrel (a 敗家子, in Chinese drama terms), blowing money I spent years saving?

Expensive procrastination, dressed up in metaphors?

It’s kinda depressing, so maybe not.

So, maybe the real story is about navigating chaos after the old systems disappear, but you’re still you?

Or the gap between what people expect your transformation to look like versus what it actually feels like inside your skull? (But wait, again! I wrote about that a month ago!)

Or maybe none of it needs a frame.

Maybe I should just talk about Pokémon cards.

We’ve had twelve “real stories” now. At least.

So… maybe, the spiral is the story.

For fifteen years, I optimized one thing: my career. Everything else was optional side content that I deferred until “later”.

Now the main quest is gone, and my optimizer brain is slow in getting the update, still trying to make sense of the formlessness and trying to build a map.

Except, I’m not sure I need a destination.

So I track Pokémon card prices I might never buy (because $4,000+ for a cardboard Charizard is still wild, and it’s not even my favorite), research coffee extraction methods for beans I barely drink, and plan dive trips I haven’t booked.

And I write essays about writing essays about not knowing what to write essays about 😅

I’m still systematizing. Just… more abstractly.

Sometimes it feels like productive exploration, but sometimes the sense of procrastination creeps in.

Sometimes I think I’m laying the groundwork for a richer life, and other times I think I’m just getting really good at confusing myself with strategy with little substance.

Just what happens when you remove the main organizing principle from someone who loves organizing principles.

I want the important work to coexist with the random stuff, and not have to apologize for either.

And if I’m honest, I don’t think I’m aimless.

I'm helping people with their money, and trying to build the full stack/personal product management into something coherent.

This is work that matters to me, and hopefully to others too.

But here’s that sticky stuff: I don’t want it to become my all-consuming main quest.

I don’t want “helping people” to morph into yet another ladder, stacked against a wall I didn’t agree to.

I don’t want “building the full stack” to eat my weekends and evenings, until Pokémon research feels too frivolous to justify.

What I do want: for it to become a constellation of small and deep side quests.

Maybe the spirals are just star patterns, and I get to discover what kind of constellation it is.

wheeee, pretty stars

So, is this the right story to be unpacking right now?

I guess I’ll write the other stories later. This one just insisted on being first.

Anyway. I’m so going to buy a Snorlax (because what Pokémon represents the art of being better than one?) — Let that side quest begin!

Until next time,
Jalyn