the start of the sabbatical / #2
in which i push skiing parallels to the limit while i quit my job
Itās -20 degrees Celsius on an enormous peak (editor modeās note: itās a green beginner slope), and my legs are threatening to shake as I start the descent.
Some trembles, Iām learning, arenāt solely about the fear of falling. Theyāre a preparation to leapā
āand as clear and crisp as the wind that slams on my face, a thought surfaces:
I donāt want to turn back.
Fifteen years: thatās how long Iāve been working professionally for.
Work has always been my proudest identity, the scaffolding I built my life around. Rung by rung, even with some lateral steps across the spectrum of organizational types.
Still, always, firmly, choosing the default of a salary, the illusion of stability, and the promise of upward growth.
But what holds you up also holds you back.
Six weeks: thatās the length of a good European summer break, or so Iāve gathered from distant colleaguesā out-of-office messages over the years.
But this isnāt (just) a vacation.
āIām ready to quit if they reject my request for unpaid time off,ā I say to my friends. I can sense their doubt; Iām probably one of the most risk-averse and one-track-career-minded people they know.
But my body is breaking down, and so is my mind.
I call this period a sabbatical prototype, a smaller experiment to explore the big questions about what could come next, before I spook myself and make more drastic moves.
There is a small part of me that tries to convince the rest that this extended leave will be enough to reset my body and brain.
Surely Iāll do as years past, and be up and raring to go when the new year comes by!
The first day of the working year: I quit.
I find myself in a peculiar liminal space, serving out my notice period while the machine with all its cogs whirs on. Technically, Iām still on the payroll, and part of the system; still getting onboarding requests for new projects.
Itās a mighty temptation for the people pleaser in me ā a skin Iām trying my best to shed. I remind myself that I should no longer say yes to designing over cracks, to breaking myself to make things work, and to living a life by default.
Iām back on the top of the peak, trembling again. Itās a flood of excitement and fear and everything in between.
And with that, I push off the slope.
A sneak peek of whatās coming next
Iām teaching a semester at my alma mater, in the very degree I took more than a decade ago. Itās thrilling, yet still very much within my comfort zone (ish)
The guitar in my closet is out in my room now after 3 years. I repeat, the guitar is out now š
Stuff I liked this week
š„ Video: To Scale: TIME
ā13.8 billion years of cosmic evolution, and our place within it.ā
I wasnāt ready to get my mind blown, but thereās nothing quite like thinking about time, scales, and the universe and knowing exactly how tiny we are.
Until next time,
J.